There is a time and place for everything. Everyone has a job to do and your job is vital. You sit there right inside my insides and think no one can see what you do, or do not do. I have to tell you Bladder that I am not happy. Not happy at all with your behavior. Hence, please find, this memo to you.
I cannot abide slackers and since you have been with me for more than 50 years I can tell you we have both grown together. Oh yes there are times when I have not noticed you since I had to pay close attention to your colleagues at different parts of these 56 years. I know you are growing old, but there is no retirement plan when you are in my company.
When we first started out, we were young, very young. It was okay if you slipped up occasionally and did not do your job of holding water properly. Heck, we were both young and I remember how much fun it was jamming with you and playing with people’s minds. Just when they were all smiling and relaxed, bang, you’d open the floodgates and I would smile sweetly into their eyes while we gave them a total washout.
Ah, those were good days, but at night when we were both asleep, you would not keep an eye on things, and I too was a very deep sleeper. I would wake up only when I found myself chilled to the bone, wet and cold.
But we both got the hang of things and then it was no longer a huge joke to smile over later. People would laugh at me, not at you, remember. In the classroom; in the playground and that terrible, terrible day in the school bus.
But we learned control, you and I. Actually it was I who was controlling you. I thought you knew what was expected of you, and you gave me no cause to doubt, except when I pushed you beyond the point of no return. But you held in there and did not embarrass me. You did your job well.
Now I am appalled at your lack of control. I have noticed you going to rack and to ruin in these last few years. I think it was after my 54th birthday. I find it strange to have to tell you your job. All you have to do is shut your mouth. It's simple, bladder. No leaks.
Added to that Bladder, you are aware of Husband, that blithering goop who insists on leaving the seat up in the bathroom. We really need a bathroom of our own, but what to do. So we improvise. I told him that you were not as young as you were. Neither am I for that matter, you and I are the same age, but one does not want to ruin one’s image in the market.
One can be patient and make excuses the livelong day, but there comes a time in a woman’s life when she must teach Husband a lesson or two. Telling him to place the seat down again 17,875 times was not good enough for him. So I decided to teach him a lesson, where he would pay attention. I fitted clear plastic wrap tightly around the toilet and placed the seat down over it.
Right enough he whistled his way into the bathroom and I heard the zipper go with a flourish. I heard the seat go up with a bang against the flush tank and then a startled, “WOHOAA!” followed by a string of really strong language. He rushed out wet as to trousers and bulging as to eye.
Now I hear Husband too has worries about his bladder control and that delicate thing called a prostrate. I heard somewhere that when men pee sitting down on the toilet bowl, it keeps their prostrate small and healthy. I just mentioned it to Husband and now the seat is down, well most of the time.
I have been told to exercise you often, do something called Kegel’s exercise, to contract and
relax the urethral sphincter while peeing. It’s an interesting feeling, but you have to play ball too. Get active once again.
You have to get your act together Bladder. You have to be very careful to not embarrass me.
