to those ones who can't get the whole computer thing

Let me say this straight out. I love my computer. I love it like I have never loved anything or anyone before. Or is it the Internet that I love? No I think it is the computer. I love the gentle clickety-clack of the keyboard as each black letter scuttles across the page. My computer is the highway from the wonderful mess that's in my head to get sorted out into order on a white page. I love the mess in my head too, which is what makes me love the order of the computer.

This box, this screen, this keyboard and mouse; these are the tools of my trade and I give due obeisance to them. Give? Pay? Grant? I don't know. I am not an obeisance person. But here's the thing. The computer allows you freedom that you have never, EVER had before. You can travel to distant lands, catch up with old friends, renew relationships, feed that never-possible-to-be-filled maw that hungers for more knowledge and more trivia.

If I am faced with a bunch of brinjals on my kitchen counter and I want to fling them on the ground and stomp them with my feet, I turn to my computer, look for an interesting recipe, get distracted by other great recipes for ingredients I never buy, scribble a few notes and voila. 20 minutes later, there's a great tasting new brinjal preparation placed for family consumption.

Daughter calls up from a different city saying she can't find a f**king place and how she is unwell and how she is f**king going to die and how she wishes she were f**cking dead. I turn to the computer find the place, find a telephone number, get directions to the place, message it to her, call her up and tell her the quickest way to get there. This happened today. Thanks to my computer she is in a good mood because her 58-year old mother uses the computer like that fat blonde chick in Criminal Minds. I like to think I am like the two nerds in NCIS, but still. The main thing is the computer and how you use it.

When I first got my computer it was because an old editor friend asked me to write a gossip column for her for the next five years. If I bought a comp, Husband figured out it would pay for itself, within the  year given the very generous amount she was paying me. So my first computer came into the house and lasted for a good seven years. Bought a second and now it is a much loved part of my life.

I started my own website and send news of my state to diaspora across the world. I place each headline on Facebook and Twitter. Though I can't quite figure out the purpose of Twitter, I use it and apparently it works. But Facebook has opened  a whole other world for me. I was convinced to go on a hike within a couple of weeks of joining FB.

I'll never forget that hike. It cost me huge, because I fell in the river with my camera, walkman and sense of dignity. The video is on FB till today. I was 56 then and 56-year-old women who don't work out except for pretend yoga so that they can catch a snooze in between asanas are not just not fit to go on treks, but they also put others in danger. I took two grown men into the river with me, and one man's little son's terrified scream can be heard on the video. It wasn't even a river. It was one of those stupid white water fast moving streams. I had no respect for it then. I have no respect for it now. It was totally my fault and the fault of the idiots shouting stupid directions on the river bank. "Walk sideways, walk sideways," they said. Pppffft. Walk sideways. Perpendicular or parallel to the demon hissing stream? They thought I was joking and laughed. After gazing gloomily at the video, I realized that all I had to do was LIFT my fat leg up above the raging water and step forward. I was trying to move my unfit and fat leg through the raging water. And said raging water was just lifting my leg like I was doing ballet plies. My groin joint was sore for a full 18 months after that.

Now I know no one will probably read this blog, so I shall put it on my Facebook page. I have an army of friends who I have never seen in my life and have no wish to see either. They stay in Facebook and I look forward to communicating with them there, trading comfort and insults with equal care.

There are many many other fun things I do on the comp. I even learned all there was to learn about porn and my sympathies lie with the porn actresses. Poor poor things. I don't know what the purpose of porn films is, but all it does is make me laugh at the whole ridiculousness of sex. We humans look really silly in the throes. No my addiction is Bouncing Balls. I need to get my score to beyond 60,000.

My dog had a growth on his throat. I was told to ignore it but it grew into a huge heavy ball and the poor guy must have been so tired carrying it around. Who knew also what insults his other dog friends hurled at him because of it. I looked for information of dog tumours on my trusty computer and a week later the mass - weighing almost a kilo - was removed. And my boy was so happy. He could now stretch his neck out and cool the scar tissue on the cool tiles.

My cure for dengue and chikungunya came through the 'net and was spread through the net. Wedding photographs can be stored. Details of documents can be stored. Jokes, stories, classical literature that would make you broke if you had to buy it, is available at the click of the mouse.

I can keep a check on my bank account. And best of all I can avoid unnecessary conversation by just pretending that I have a lot of work to finish. This computer and all its parts is worth a million times its weight in antimatter. Just saying. I love the computer.