Dear Government Servant who prefers being called government official

At the outset let me apologize for getting mad at you Government Servant. I now realize that it is impossible for you to understand why we, non-government servants, get mad at you.

We happen to belong in the private sector, some of us used to belong in the private sector. We are now sitting at home in a post-retrenchment haze wondering what’s going to happen if we don’t get a paycheck this month.

Now you, will never have this problem. When we, the Indian Private Sector, hereinafter known in this epissle as (ips) in lower case, because, let’s face it, in your eyes we are. Not like the IPS, in upper case. That’s the one which struts it stuff on our streets with absolutely no idea of what a police force is actually supposed to do. As I said, I cannot blame you for behaving in the constipated fashion you do. I will explain at the end of this missive why I use the word ‘constipated’*.

I cannot blame you; neither should any of the ipses in the country – because you have been born into this workaday world with bureaucratic red tape in your mouth. You earn a salary way beyond the level of your productivity. Your department is overstaffed, yet no work is done.  You have paid a huge bribe to get the job, so when you do have to move a file from Point A to Point B you sit on it laboriously until the ips pays you to get off your butt and move it. You have to recover your bribe money with more of the same.

Meanwhile your paycheck comes in with great regularity. If it does not, you run gibbering to the local media and sob about hungry mouths at home. And your paycheck comes in.

Now for us in the ips, we have no way of knowing whether that envelope we get at the end of the month will hold a paycheck or a pink slip. A large amount of that paycheck goes to paying your salary, so the ipses are actually feeding not just their families, but yours too. Because it is ips money that puts food in the mouths of your ugly looking family. That’s another thing I will never understand. Why are government servants so damned ugly?

WHERE'S THE BUZZ? Yes this pic is stolen, so sue me.

I gave the matter some pretty deep thought. Because to me, this is a serious problem.  Not only are the government offices, dusty, dirty and ugly, but the occupants exactly match the interiors. 

Look at private banks. Their surroundings are exquisite, their staff very attractive, dressed beautifully, always courteous and they screw you out of your money much more efficiently than the government servant does. But it’s such a pleasure getting screwed by a professional.

But you, Government Servant, you have it easy. You can never be sacked. You don’t have to account for your actions. Even if you are so wicked that even your seniors decide to bung you in jail, your family continues getting your paycheck. Truncated a bit by 25 percent, but your meals and stay is taken care of in prison, so it’s even-stevens for your ugly family at home. They continue laughing all the way to the bank.  That's right. I cannot blame you. But I can still hate you. And I do.

*I used the word ‘constipated’ because you’re so full of crap, Government Servant. All you can think of is how to cover your ass, grabbing as much grease as you can without it showing on your uniform.