It is not cute. It is creepy. It is creepy to the highest degree of creepiness to try and take a piece out of my rear. Maybe your stupid owners have not fed you enough and you thought my juicy rear was a great way to get a week's supply of steak? Not amusing. It has taken me many years, my friend, many years, to build up a rear of this size. What a colossal waste to present it to you to fix your fangs on.
Also, I don't know if you have been inoculated against rabies. While I must admit I am curious, nay even fascinated, at the idea of barking at people and biting them, I like water and I like life. I understand with rabies you cannot drink water and you end up pretty dead. Ergo, I do not want to contract rabies through you. So unless you can convince me otherwise in Doggese that you are not rabid, I am not going to let you get within biting distance of my person.
Today you caught me off guard. I was holding eggs in one hand and tomatoes in the other. Both you will agree are highly smashable commodities. You came in your creepy manner behind me and if I had not heard your feral breath and your ridiculously long claws clicking on the road behind me, I would have been sitting on the health centre's table getting my belly jabbed with anti-rabies liquids.
Fortunately, I think quickly on my feet having been brought up in the rougher part of a rough city. When I turned around and saw you with lunch on your mind, in a split second I decided the tomatoes would make a better assault weapon.
Luckily I buy tomatoes that are not red and squishy; I go for the harder orange ones. I could have flung the eggs, but tomatoes I can do without, eggs I cannot. All that flashed though my fevered brain with lightyear like speeds and I thwacked you on your stupid nose with all the force I could muster. Yes, I know you must have seen stars, I know that dog's noses are very sensitive and getting whacked with a kilo of hard tomatoes cannot be fun. But better you than me matey.
I did not wait to commiserate, I turned and ran for my life and what luck the eggs were in a hard plastic eggbox or I would have had the makings of an omelet all over the place. But you! If you had had any sense you would have run back to your home of hate, but you are stupid, and dumb and an idiot and a moron. You came after me, smarting nose and and all.
If you had returned to your home of hate to nurse your throbbing nose and wait for all those constellations to stop whizzing around it would have been a good thing. For the rest of my life, or yours, I would have made the necessary detour to avoid your salivating jaws. There was a small chance that you may be equally afraid of me but I would not be taking it.
But you came after me. That was a mistake. A huge error. There is one thing you should learn about me. I panic easily. Oh yes, I think quickly on my feet, but there comes a point in a quick thinking brain when logic quick-freezes and instinct kicks in.
I turned my head to see if you were really, unbelievably, stupidly, chasing after me. The thing is when I turn my head my body also turns, I think it's this slight crick I have in my neck. Or a center of gravity thing and a shifting axis. So before I knew what happened my body had turned right around and I was running towards you. At speed.
I saw the crazed look in your eyes turn thoughtful. Then the panic in your eyes mirrored the panic which was surely in mine. You tried to skid to a stop and skedaddle out of the way. But we were two meteors on a collision course. We met with some force. We both yelped as I fell on top of you. Yes, yes, I know it is unfair. I am 70 kilos and you are ... how much? 15 kg? I flattened you in a second. We were both winded.
You were yelping in a really sissy way and I was gibbering. A crowd collected and picked me up while your stupid owners came and peeled you off the pavement. The crowd shouted at the owners because a number of them don't like you. Some laughed. I found I was still holding the egg box and the bag of tomatoes. As I limped home, I could hear you yelping and felt a deep satisfaction.
Right now I have stopped hyperventilating, I have rapidly made and consumed a three-egg omelet. A steaming mug of strong coffee and I am feeling invincible again. Yes, the miracle of the morning was that the eggs were fine. Only three had cracked in the egg box. These egg boxes are bloody good! Tomorrow I shall swing by with pepperspray. I have to show you who's boss. Be warned Dog Who Tried To Bite Me This Morning.
Also, I don't know if you have been inoculated against rabies. While I must admit I am curious, nay even fascinated, at the idea of barking at people and biting them, I like water and I like life. I understand with rabies you cannot drink water and you end up pretty dead. Ergo, I do not want to contract rabies through you. So unless you can convince me otherwise in Doggese that you are not rabid, I am not going to let you get within biting distance of my person.
Today you caught me off guard. I was holding eggs in one hand and tomatoes in the other. Both you will agree are highly smashable commodities. You came in your creepy manner behind me and if I had not heard your feral breath and your ridiculously long claws clicking on the road behind me, I would have been sitting on the health centre's table getting my belly jabbed with anti-rabies liquids.
Fortunately, I think quickly on my feet having been brought up in the rougher part of a rough city. When I turned around and saw you with lunch on your mind, in a split second I decided the tomatoes would make a better assault weapon.
Luckily I buy tomatoes that are not red and squishy; I go for the harder orange ones. I could have flung the eggs, but tomatoes I can do without, eggs I cannot. All that flashed though my fevered brain with lightyear like speeds and I thwacked you on your stupid nose with all the force I could muster. Yes, I know you must have seen stars, I know that dog's noses are very sensitive and getting whacked with a kilo of hard tomatoes cannot be fun. But better you than me matey.
I did not wait to commiserate, I turned and ran for my life and what luck the eggs were in a hard plastic eggbox or I would have had the makings of an omelet all over the place. But you! If you had had any sense you would have run back to your home of hate, but you are stupid, and dumb and an idiot and a moron. You came after me, smarting nose and and all.
If you had returned to your home of hate to nurse your throbbing nose and wait for all those constellations to stop whizzing around it would have been a good thing. For the rest of my life, or yours, I would have made the necessary detour to avoid your salivating jaws. There was a small chance that you may be equally afraid of me but I would not be taking it.
But you came after me. That was a mistake. A huge error. There is one thing you should learn about me. I panic easily. Oh yes, I think quickly on my feet, but there comes a point in a quick thinking brain when logic quick-freezes and instinct kicks in.
I turned my head to see if you were really, unbelievably, stupidly, chasing after me. The thing is when I turn my head my body also turns, I think it's this slight crick I have in my neck. Or a center of gravity thing and a shifting axis. So before I knew what happened my body had turned right around and I was running towards you. At speed.
I saw the crazed look in your eyes turn thoughtful. Then the panic in your eyes mirrored the panic which was surely in mine. You tried to skid to a stop and skedaddle out of the way. But we were two meteors on a collision course. We met with some force. We both yelped as I fell on top of you. Yes, yes, I know it is unfair. I am 70 kilos and you are ... how much? 15 kg? I flattened you in a second. We were both winded.
You were yelping in a really sissy way and I was gibbering. A crowd collected and picked me up while your stupid owners came and peeled you off the pavement. The crowd shouted at the owners because a number of them don't like you. Some laughed. I found I was still holding the egg box and the bag of tomatoes. As I limped home, I could hear you yelping and felt a deep satisfaction.
Right now I have stopped hyperventilating, I have rapidly made and consumed a three-egg omelet. A steaming mug of strong coffee and I am feeling invincible again. Yes, the miracle of the morning was that the eggs were fine. Only three had cracked in the egg box. These egg boxes are bloody good! Tomorrow I shall swing by with pepperspray. I have to show you who's boss. Be warned Dog Who Tried To Bite Me This Morning.
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