Dear Sadist who designed shoes for women and obviously hates their guts

I have never met you. I would not like to meet you. I do  not like what you have done to women over the years. We have enough hassles with leaking uterii (uteruses?) and cramps and bloating and people groping us in dark places, sometimes in bright places and you don't know what the hell to do, because everyone is looking. 

As I was saying, it is a tough life for us women, so only a sadist of the most vicious kind would actually force us to stand on the contraptions you call shoes. There are spiked heels which have got to be the worst invention ever. 

Most of us women are bad at maintaining balance in anything. Rollerskates, skis, frozen pavements, bicycles, chequebooks, budgets and there's that grey area of mental balance too. So to actually make a shoe and then raise it up to stand on a pencil heel, wow, that has to come from some really twisted brain.

The heel height and thinness of the thing is one thing. When you stand on the thing your entire weight then transfers to the heel. And then the brain gives out a red flashing signal saying, shit, the effing heel is gonna break so your body weight slides all the way down to the balls of your feet and your toes.

Which brings us to the reason why I think you need to be caught and forced to have ladies shoes fused on to your feet. The area left for the toes in ladies shoes is a joke. How can four digits and a big toe fit comfortably in a tiny triangular wedge? How can they breathe, wiggle and move? Toes like us need freedom, or didn't you know, Moron!? When they're  stuck together like that for so long, you know what's going to happen? They get squished and they stink! Moron!

Then the bunions form and you actually succeed in your dark evil plan to actually deform a woman's feet. The bunions stick out and get pretty painful and when where are we? We can't walk properly and that tiny pain you get? That's permanent Moron. That tiny niggling pain is deep in our brain.

Standing in that unnatural manner with body weight falling on squished smelly toes, bunions spreading out, you know what is happening to the rest of the woman's body? She gets curvature of the spine. Her backside sticks out and you fool her into thinking that it is sexy. It is not sexy. It is effing expensive, because you have to become a regular visitor to an orthopedic chap. And orthopedic chaps are effing expensive. 

So you say no one is forcing you to wear high-heeled pumps. No, no one is, except all the effing magazines and ads and films which show these lovely ladies with lovely legs saying how lovely their legs look ending in these fabulous heels. I know this is a canard you have spread. But you spread that canard to opinion makers and they have decreed that the more uncomfortable the shoe, the better you image.

Well I have had it. I am going back in time with a pair of Size 7 stilettos in my hand and when I catch you Moron Sadist Who Designed Shoes For Women and Obviously Hates Their Guts, I have outlined a Plan for you. I will first break your kneecaps with my stiletto heels, then I will make you eat the shoes, one at a time.